I was pushing the deadline, desperately flipping through newspapers and magazines, trying to find a news hook upon which to hang this week’s column. Dejectedly, I surfed the Internet. Maybe a new game addiction would help me forget my writer’s block. Maybe I could learn which Hollywood celebrities are taking orders ...

Since corporations are people, it stands to reason that houses are people too, and hence eligible to run for president, right? (Just...just go with it, okay?) At least one set of Occupy activists thinks this isn't such a bad idea, and they've started a Facebook group for that very purpose: ...

It’s the beginning of April, and that means I just finished celebrating New Year’s Eve, and will soon begin shopping for Valentine’s gifts. In a month or two, I may even get around to toasting St. Patrick. It’s not procrastination, it’s just that I’m a Pennsylvanian, and the state encourages me ...

There will be some nomenclature, some rhetorical subdivision, some dreaded categorization and definition in what follows. Unless you've never had good sex, you’ll agree that sometimes, drawing lines is good. Lines like "good sex" and "bad sex." I had just finished giving the Duchess of Hardcore Activists the drilling she’d asked ...

“Hola, Amigo! Pack your bags, we’re going to Mexico!” bubbled Dr. Franklin Peterson Comstock III, faux physician and money-maker. “Yeah, I could use a decent vacation,” I replied, figuring he’d pay for both of us since he had just set the world record for the most nose jobs in a 24-hour ...

The stupidity is getting harder to find. More Americans embrace the Occupy movement, fewer people are repeating the same stupid lines about how the movement is incoherent or its participants are lazy, and the dispersal of occupiers from base locations to general nomadism has made them less of a target, ...

They buried Bouldergrass today. The cause of death was listed as “media-induced health.” Bouldergrass had begun his health crusade more than a decade ago when he began reading more than the sports pages of his local newspaper, subscribed to his first magazine, and decided TV news could be informative if it ...

“O.K., class, we have a few minutes at the end of today’s lecture about how the godless Communists created evolution to try to destroy the decent loyal patriotic capitalist society of America. Any questions? Yes, Billy Bob.” “Mr. Jim Bob, I heard about this thing called a person. What is that?” “Good ...

Like zombies, ghouls, and CEOs, they're back, but not as much fun to watch burn in gasoline-drenched piles. Here are a few of the latest annotated tweets from those feeling offended by the occupiers: 10. "I was rejected from #ows #occupywallstreet because I didn't have a feral, puerile world view" -professimous Maybe you ...

A "friend" of Walter Brasch raises the question: Why not some really useful corporate subsidies? by Walter Brasch “Got any idea how to make a frozen daiquiri?” Saturday. 6 a.m. A question no one else would have asked at that hour. I knew it had to be Marshbaum, my faux-friend foil. “Too early to ...